Zeedar Teretz's Number One Girl
Thursday, June 9, 2005. 3:24PM
Today, as some of you may have noticed, is the first time in a long while that I've updated. It is also the third anniversary of Teretz Syndrome, and the 70th such article to appear on the site. Rather than the usual droll reminiscences we have on our birthday, I'd like to think that this month, I have something special for you.
Internet demographics are an odd thing. There's not a whole lot you can tell about someone from their IP address, their operating system, browser and country of origin. Sure, I guess you could conjecturer that people from America who use AOL-Netscape are most likely to be women, or perhaps that people who use RedHat Linux are probably males, age 25-39, but really, it's all pretty subjective. I prefer, rather, to assume that if you like the things I write enough to read them, then you are just like me. You are a male, age 18-28. You like girls and low brow action films. And you grew up between 1979 and 1995. If that's the case, then there's one thing I know for sure.
You kind of want to be this guy.
And you really want to fuck his girlfriend.
That's Mia Sara, everyone. She's been in about twenty movies over the last twenty years. She's really pretty unremarkable as an actress, but her personal history as a little bit more to make this cookie appetizing. How who you feel if I told you could be hitting not just Ferris Bueller's girlfriend, but when you broke her heart, these are the two bad boys who'd be coming after you:
Okay, maybe that's not strictly speaking true. She was Brian Henson's girl for a little while (Brian Henson being the son of Jim Henson, who's the hand inside Kermit), and she went so far as to marry Sean Connery's son, but she's divorced him now, so most likely Sean wouldn't be too much out for your blood, and Jim Henson's dead, but c'mon, we'll suspend belief for a little bit. You don't even need the visceral thrill of being sucker punched by a frog, anyway, because you've got a much realer punch on the way when you're inside the dead wife of the Timecop.
That's right, this girls all class. She appears in a movie with the Muscles from Brussels. She also has a few illicit liaisons with this character.
It's Billy Zane! I was originally going to include a picture of him as Phantom (which remains his best role to date), but when I stumbled across this snap, I simply couldn't resist. She stared as his girl as well.
Basically where I'm going with this, is to demonstrate that Mia Sara, as much as you wouldn't have thought it, is actually, the best woman. Forget Jane Fonda, get back Claudia Shiffer, Mia Sara is where the classy guys go. Mia Sara, ladies and gentlemen, is where it's at.
All of which suits me just fine, because around 1994, having spent her eight years since Ferris Bueller's Day Off stumbling in and out of various bit parts and straight to TV movies, and suffering the crisis of confidence that strikes all women, when it dawns on them that they're about to turn thirty and that their lives will never again be what they were at nineteen (and possibly running low on liquid capitol), Mia Sara made a bold decision. She decided to do nudity. Between 1994 and 1996, Mia Sara made five films. In four of them, Timecop, The Set Up, Black Day Blue Night and Undertow, she got naked. At least twice per movie. And pretty seriously naked, too. After that, she's never gotten naked again, and her career quickly slid back into telemovies and voice acting. Maybe she'd made all the money she needed? Who knows? Not me, and y'know what? Ever since I caught The Set Up on late night TV a week or so, I don't care. It's taken almost two decades, but finally, my desire to see Sloane Peterson get what she had coming has been sated. Now, when I close my eyes and think of her, my imagination won't have to work so hard. It won't have to work at all. I've seen everything I want to.
And now, so can you. Below is a movie I've cut together that features bits of basically every Mia Sara nude scene, set to pop music. I thought about calling it 'Ferris Bueller Gets Off', but in the end, opted for the crass simplicity of 'Fuck Me Ferris.' I have a dream that this video will wind up on some peering networks - some punk somewhere will download it, looking for some random porn. Maybe someone will mislabel it as "Ferris Bueller - Deleted Scene." I think that title will put it in context for him. It fits in nicely with one of the final scenes of Ferris Bueller's Day Off - the scene where they're all sitting around chatting while the car's odometer spins backward. Perhaps if you have the DVD you'd like to cut it in? Just a thought.
Anyway, it's 6 minutes 52 seconds long. The small one is 16.6 meg, the large is 36.8. Click below and enjoy.
For those of you who can't deal with files that big, you might get some joy from the girl of the week. I found her on some website. I don't even think you can refer to this girl as a piece of ass. This girl has dignity. This girl is a bottom.