Thursday, January 29, 2004. 8:19PM

Well, I don't really have anything to say this week, so I'm going to give you something of a classic syndrome. You see, the other day a girl was in my room going through my shit (she's a curious one) and she came across a copy of the school newspaper I used to write for when I was back at school. I had this regular column where I would write about general school shit, but I also used to occasionally contribute other things. I showed the world I couldn't draw, for example, in my comic strip, and I also used to write the odd essay, much in the same vein as the stuff I write on this website today. There was a point in my studies when I had to write in the style of this happy fellow:

He's Peter Carey. He's quite famous. Won many prizes. Written the novels a few of the movies you might have seen were based on. At the time, however, I hadn't read too much of his apart from the text we were studying, Peter Carey's Collected Stories. Those collected stories are about one thing, and they're about it a lot - dick. Reading this again, I have to say that I think I have grown as a writer these past few years, but I don't want to discredit my early work. It had a raw power I can't seem to capture these days. I think if you're a fan of the website, then this probably won't be your favorite syndrome, but it will certainly be an interesting look back to where it all began. This weeks picture is something I just made in PhotoShop. You'll find it at the end. It has nothing to do with the story, I just thought I'd bring it up here so I don't have to do a conclusion. Anyway, without further ado, here it is, my story in the style of Peter Carey...

VAGINA
by Zeedar Teretz

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ANALYSIS OF VAGINA

On the surface, 'Vagina', by Zeedar Teretz, would appear to be nothing more then a blatant attempt to shock the reader by repeating the word "penis" over and over again, however, once we look deeper, there is far more to this simple yarn.

The first thing to notice about 'Vagina' is the significance of its title. For a story consisting entirely of the word "penis", one would think it would be far more appropriate to call it simply "Penis", or perhaps "Many Penises", however, the author has chosen this title with a clear and deliberate purpose. Teretz is saying here that within every Vagina there are many Penises, in fact, it could be said that the only character in this story is the Vagina, and this story is its point of view, describing all it sees, that is, Penis. This simple story tells of the life of a woman's most precious organ. The title is also a comment on the similarity of the sexes, and is saying that, deep down, a vagina is no different to many, many penises.

Also to note in 'Vagina' is the punctuation, for this is all that makes the penises distinct from each other. Every prime numbered penis is a complete sentence within itself. It has a capital letter and a full stop. These penises are far more complete, more whole, and better than any of the others, and perhaps the author is making a statement about the quality of penis. The first few penises received (bar the very first, which is bad) are mostly prime. They are good quality penises, then, as the text goes on, the good penises become rarer and more sporadically placed. The author is saying that as time goes by, good men become fewer, but more randomly placed. You can never tell when a good man is just around the corner. The other obvious connection is that the author likes a good prime piece of penis.

'Vagina' is the story of the male patriarchy exemplified. Again and again we see this image of a vagina, suppressed by penis after penis. Not once do we see another vagina, a hand, or even a tongue. Only at the end of the story do the penises stop, but what, we are forced to ask, are they replaced with? Will the vagina enter a new stage of experimentation and free love, or has years of abuse by the male patriarchy quashed its spirit, and metaphorically killed it. Is this not a story of one vagina, but instead the story of all women everywhere, and does its conclusion come with the final victory of the women's liberation movement, or is Teretz implying that the final fight is not yet won, and women must fight on, till the threat of this penis is ended!

Also contained within the text is a clear example of the struggle of the Proletariat Penis against the Bourgeoisie Penis. The Bourgeoisie Penis start off as fairly equally divided with the Proletariat, but as time grows on, they grow more scarce. This is representative of the growing rift between middle and working classes, and the rise of the proletariat that must occur before the proletarian revolution can occur. In theory, were this text continued, the prime penises would grow more and more scarce, until only the regular penises remained, and the proletarian revolution was complete.

There are exactly six hundred and sixty six repetitions of the word "penis" in 'Vagina'. This is the devils number, and is plainly symbolic of the evil of penis. It is also a comment on the life of the Vagina, for the final penis is numbered 666, and represents the vagina being 'screwed by the devil', or dyeing and going to hell. It is evident that Teretz thinks the penis is evil, and this is why he has chosen this number in relation to the penis.

And so we see that even in the simplest tale, there is a far greater, deeper meaning, and something as simple as a penis can be a powerful tool for communication.