Saturday, May 24, 2003. 6:00PM

Want evidence of my supreme computing skills?

Let's suppose I have a dildo. Not any ordinary dildo, mind you, this dildo is Zeedar Teretz's Patented Thirteen Inch Shock and Awe. It is a super dildo. Deep within this dildo's rubbery skin is contained a computer, and a 120mb hard drive. Running on this computer is a modified version of Windows CE, and a program that via a series of sensors in the dildo, monitors the intensity of the dildo users screams and various clenchings, and so, after several uses, stores in it's memory a pattern of at what point it needs to go harder, when it needs to ease off, and at what point it should withdraw, open it's little compartment containing the cigarette and ignite it's tip (the designer of this dildo is not without a sense of humor). Okay, let's say that I'm in Lithuania. I have just stolen from the Lithuanian government's secret research center, the newly discovered secret formula for a spray that can stop the female menstrual cycle for up to eight hours. Obviously, every married man on the planet wants this formula (as we all know that after ten years of marriage a woman can have her period as often as three times a week), and most major corporations will stop at nothing to get it. How do I escape?

Well, using my supreme computing skills, I'm quite confident that with a few parts from the Black Box Catalogue, and a standard computer running Linux, I can connect the dildo up to the computer, mount it and load a file or two, maybe an mp3, into it's memory, escape undetected, manufacture the formula and then make rapid love (I may need a few breaks) two twenty four women between sixteen and thirty five with zero probability of getting blood on my sheets (well, maybe a little from some of the sixteen year olds, but certainly not menstrual blood).

If anything I say offends you, or to order Zeedar Teretz's Patented Thirteen Inch Shock and Awe for US$199.95 please, mail me.