Lie Back and Think of Israel

Monday, December 20, 2004. 11:19PM

Zeedar Teretz has been getting a little bit of action lately. A little bit of action that has forced him to reach deep (well, not that deep) in his experience book and utilize a skill tree that he never put enough points into. Zeedar Teretz was forced to find the clitoris.

So there I am, feeling my way around. There's a little hair, quite a bit of moisture. I'm kissing her passionately. My other arm is holding her tight little body close against mine. She's quite plainly rubbing my crotch with slow sensual motions. There are little moans forming deep in her throat. Such is my dedication to you guys, however, that I'm not thinking about hot action I'm right in the middle of. I'm thinking about my personal website. I'm thinking about you.

Are ZeedarTeretz.com users the kind of people who know how to find the clitoris, I think? Is there something about my droll monologue that only appeals to skillful and experienced lovers? No, I don't think so. Perhaps some of them have found it in the past. Perhaps some will find it in the future. Perhaps some have never found it. Perhaps some find it on a regular basis. Regardless of their discoveries, I don't too many zeedarteretz.com users (the men, at any rate) are confident about the clitoris. I was thinking that night that what we needed was some kind of rhyme. A little poem you could memorize, and recite to yourself whenever a finger banging is on the cards. We'd all benefit.

Then I realized that I can't rhyme and I have no idea where the clitoris is.

The female genitalia, you see, is lot like a map of Israel.

Right in the center, you've got Jerusalem. Jerusalem is the best. Everybody wants Jerusalem. It's warm and it's deep and it's vaguely round. It's a great place for a holiday. Lots of interesting sights. The Wailing Wall is a scream. Wouldn't want to live there though, because pretty often some bad shit goes down in that place. Sure, it's not every day, and when it does go down, it's on the borders, but at least for a few days a month some non-Jew gets it into his head to blow up a checkpoint and there's blood in the streets and no end of trouble.

Head a few clicks to the left of Jerusalem and you hit the Mediterranean. Now, I don't want to shit on the Mediterranean. It's nice. It has got Tel Aviv and everything. It's where Israel keeps two of her nuclear submarines, but it's no Jerusalem. It is good for shipping. It has some oil. But when it comes to pleasuring women, it's basically a big red flap that doesn't serve a purpose. Same goes for the right of Jerusalem, which is where you find a hunk of the West Bank, the Dead Sea and pile of Jordan. I'm not saying it isn't any fun, but the good stuff just isn't here.

Down South is a whole lot of desert where you must never go. Well, okay, don't get me wrong. We're all curious about the south of Israel. Very curious. And if you've got permission and you're pretty sure you're not going to marry this girl, by all means, put on two condoms and all the lubricant you can find and go for your life. Hell, mail me and tell me all about it. I'd love to have a Syndrome in the future entitled "User Stories About Their Visits to The South of Israel." I've met curious girls before, but I've never had the sack to ask.

The good stuff is up North. The good stuff is the Golan Heights. According to 'A Guide to Israel and its Holy sites', the Golan Heights is "brimming with flowing rivers, gushing waterfalls and bursting with beautiful blossoms, the Golan is filled with exquisite beauty. The rain and melted snow form glorious streams and rivers that run down into the Yarden and the Kinneret." Take her to the Golan Heights and if you can keep in there for five or ten minutes you'll take her to heaven.

Only problem is, to get to the Golan Heights, you have to cross the West Bank. We all know who lives in the West Bank, don't we? That's right - Palestinians. Now, I've traveled from the Golan Heights to Jerusalem many times. I know the route pretty well, and I've never seen any trouble. As far as I'm concerned it's no worse than the rest of Israel. However, I know what the West Bank does, and although I've never seen it do it (at least not up close), the fact that it does it worries me. If you want to go to the West Bank you take your life into your own hands. A car bomb can be as messy a business as a Mossad assassination via helicopter gunship. You can tear it up in the West Bank if you like - riots and looting and everything, but be warned. The Israeli army has big stick and powerful water cannons.

The girl of the week is Tori Spelling, who is Jewish, and in this particular light, a lot more attractive than both Bette Midler and Barbera Streisand. So attractive, in fact, that I'd go there from around Switzerland downward. Before Tori though, I'd like to leave you with one parting statement:

Nobody is pretending that the female genitalia is pleasant. Nobody is pretending that it's not warm, wet, sticky and kind of like being trapped in a Malaysian fish market about a month before monsoon. We all have to go there at some point though, and I hope at hope at least some of you remember this guide. Just do what I do; close your eyes, lie back, and think of Israel.