Thursday, January 15, 2004. 8:33PM

Right. The holidays are over, and this website is back. Well, actually, the holidays aren't over, but the break I choose to take from my strenuous timetable of updates is. Look at the menu thing - I took one this time last year, too - and a longer one than I took this year. I used to update more often back then too, so really, this break of less than a month is much shorter than it could have been. Are you grateful? I bet you aren't you selfish bastards.

Today I'm going to talk about a subject close to my heart, because frankly, I'm sick of the jokes. If I hear one more Michael Jackson is a pedophile joke, I swear I'm going to snap. Yes, that's right, today's topic is the unfortunate fate of the King of Pop.

Now, I'm not even going to start on the whole being white surgery "he's a freak" thing, partly because I dealt with it, albeit in a fairly humorous manor in this log a long ass time ago, and partly because who cares. I'm inclined to think that the brother has a disease, and yeah, a bit of bad surgery, but come on, he can look how he wants. There's a whole pile of ugly ass people in the world, and nobody picks on them. Well, sure, some of them, but not all. I mean, I mock fat people, because that's easy to cure. Hey baby? Having trouble standing? Can't afford expensive diet programs? Don't like exercising? Well, how about this - it's really not hard - eat less. I never eat breakfast. Ever. Two meals a day, and you know what? I'm dangerously underweight. I weigh the same amount as Michael Jackson. Is it really that hard? I'm not asking you to walk or exert yourself in any way. You don't have to eat healthy food or anything like that. Hell, you don't even have to get out of bed to follow my dietary regime. Just don't eat breakfast. "But Zeedar, I get up and feel hungry, I have to eat breakfast." Shut up you fat sack of crap. Get up and have a shower. That's not too hard. Just prolong breakfast for however long that takes. Then instead of going straight into the kitchen, simply do something else. Go to work, say, or check your email. Do something else, and keep doing other things until one o'clock, when you can have lunch. Okay, you're hungry, have a sandwich. Hell, have a muffin if that's what you want. Have a hamburger. Go to subway, but here's a hint, fatty, don't bother getting the subs that fat guy eats - the ones with six grams of fat or less - get the meatball. It's tasty, and cheaper than all the other meat ones. Get the meatball, but only the six inch. A simple guide: for lunch, you shouldn't eat anything bigger than your fist. Maybe a fist and a half if you're over 5'9". Okay, it's four o'clock in the after noon - your blood sugar is low, and you want some food. Don't buy a meal - have some fucking Jelly Beans. It's not that hard. Dinner, you can have three fists. It doesn't have to be healthy - eat three small bowls of straight lard if you want to. About nine o'clock, have a bowl of ice cream. That's it. That's all you want to do. You feel hungry? Forget about it. Put it out of your mind. Check your email or something. At most, your next meal is six to eight hours away. It'll fly by in no time. I'll even let you have a can of Coke, or some other carbonated beverage once a day. If you find yourself drinking more than once every two hours though, you're drinking too much. The beauty of this diet? As you loose weight your big fat ham hands will get smaller and you'll eat less, yes, that's right, there's no limit to the weight you can loose!

Good. I'm glad I've cleared up the world obesity crisis. Let's move on to Michael Jackson.

Now, the thing that got me started on this whole thing was the jokes. In the past few months, I've been told about two hundred Michael Jackson jokes. Like this one, for example: I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson. Now, firstly, most of these jokes aren't funny. Maybe they were funny once, but they're all the fucking same. Y'know, if just once someone would tell me a joke about... oh, I dunno... did you hear about every musician ever? No, what? Michael Jackson out sold them! Okay, so that's not particularly funny. but come on, it's hard to be funny when you're not dissing someone. My point is that I'd like to be able to hear someone say "Did you hear the Michael Jackson joke?" and not instantly know that the punch line was going to be about him raping kids. So, conclusion number one: stop with the freaking jokes, fatty.

This website has a fine tradition of well thought out and highly researched arguments, so let's have a look at the charges leveled against him. The first seven read like this:

On or between February 7 and March 20 2003, in the County of Santa Barbara, the crime of lewd act upon a child, in violation or penal code section 288(a), a felony was committed by Michael Joe Jackson, who did willfully, unlawfully and lewdly commit a lewd and lascivious act upon the body and certain parts and members thereof of John Doe, a child under the age of fourteen years, with the intent of arousing, appealing to, and gratifying the lust, passions and sexual desires of the said defendant and the said child.

And then there's two that read:

On or between February 7 and March 20 2003, in the County of Santa Barbara, the crime of administering intoxicating agent, in violation of penal code section 222, a felony was committed by Michael Joe Jackson, who did unlawful administer to John Doe an intoxicating agent with the intent thereby to enable and assist himself to commit a felony, to wit, child molestation in violation of penal code section 288(a).

Some other site tells me that a lewd act can be considered any touch, under or even over the clothing, on any part of the body, including the genitals, but can include even the shoulder, if it is intended to cause sexual arousal. Also telling a child to perform sexual acts can be considered a lewd act. Now, to me, the sentence "gratifying the lust, passions and sexual desires of the said defendant and the said child" says to me that the kid wanted it. This brings me to my first point. More and more often these days, it seems that I am at parties and so on, and I'm looking for a banging chick. I spy the chick I deem "the most banging," and, after a brief conversation, establish that this chick is sixteen. Now, these chicks are stack. They're babes. Hot ladies. They look to be nineteen or twenty, not sixteen. How do so many of them do it? Why are sixteen year olds always hotter than chicks a few years older? I don't know. What I do know is that girls are becoming in need of a quick up against the wall at a lot younger age these days, and I'd like to think that I can give them what they need, perform a civic duty if you will, without going to prison. I remember when I was fourteen, and I was certainly sexually active. Was I getting any? No, basically because I was a geek with a website, but I was certainly capable of cracking a hard on while looking at the amazing legs of that blonde a few rows in front (she became a model, by the way). If only I could have felt the gentle caresses of one of the hotter student teachers in those days. Anyway, my point is this: the legal age at which it is cool to engage in sexual acts should be lowered to at least sixteen, but quite possibly even lower. Are kids ready to take responsibility for their sexual lives at age fourteen? Well, maybe in some cases no, but they're certainly close. This kid wanted Michael Jackson to do what he did (presuming that he did anything, which I am by no means suggesting). It wasn't rape. It wasn't violent. Nobody was hurt. I seriously doubt this kid was harmed. If anything, he managed to get a hand job a good couple of years before his peer group.

We tolerate all sorts of people in society today. Tolerate, I say, not accept, because changing laws and television programming has forced on us the idea that certain things are okay, and that it's not okay to say they're not okay, rather than us actually being individually, in the deepest of our hearts, okay with them. In the current batch of US Sitcoms on my television screen, there are three about seriously fat men married to skinny hot women, one about a fat woman married to a skinny man, and another about a fat lonely woman. Then there's a whole pile about gay people, and... well, look, we except people who are different to us these days. African Americans are the most emulated culture on earth, one of my closest friends claims to be a "metrosexual" (and I tell you, if he were any less of a close friend, I wouldn't take that faggot crap from him - not by a long shot), sure, bestiality is frowned upon, but nobody goes to jail for it, just like necrophilia, and whatever other bizarre sexual perversion you want to practice in the privacy of your own home - they're all okay. Why then, do we give such a hard time to the people who like a bit of fresh meat. With today's hipster jeans and midriff exposing tops, who can blame them?

As for "administering intoxicating agent," I mean, come on. He gave the kid wine and sleeping pills. If I went to jail for every fourteen year old I've given wine and sleeping pills to... well... I'd be in jail. While there are perfectly good excuses for giving the kid both these things, what I want to know is this: if Michael Jackson drugged the kid to sleep and then molested him, how does this kid know he was molested? Eh? And how come he could molest him five times without drugging him? Eh? You're an idiot kid, that's what you are.

The saddest thing, however, is this. No matter what me and the few other survivors of the eighties who retain the unadulterated love the entire world had for Michael Jackson preach on out websites, the criteria for conviction under 288(a) requires only the testimony of said "victim." No corroborating evidence required, so I reckon, if you get a jury of twelve Michael Jackson joke makers, the guy is going down, which is a damn shame. What I wouldn't give for my own mansion with a zoo, train and amusement park.

In other news, almost three months after I outlined my plan for NASA in this log, President George W. Bush today outlined his plan for NASA. It follows mine pretty much exactly. I'm sort of pissed off they didn't pay me royalties or some shit, or at least hire me to some government think tank, I am kind of glad that I can influence the policy of the most powerful nation on earth. If you're reading this Dick Cheney, or Colin Powell or whoever, please, I have a lot more good ideas with regard to military, and civil related designs and strategy and so on - I'm not really as extremist as I appear on this site. Please, email me. I'm sure we can work something out.

In conclusion: to find the woman for this episode, I did a few different searches for the blonde future model from a few rows in front, but alas, I couldn't find her, so instead, I typed teachers into KaZaA. This was the second thing that downloaded (the first thing was a bit too hardcore for my humble website). Personally, I think she's hot.