Zeedar Teretz on Hard Drugs.

Monday, March 13, 2006. 11:34AM

Zeedar Teretz doesn’t like to judge you. I know you all come to this site searching for factoids about the best ways to rape your sisters, and in my book, there’s nothing wrong with that (several chapters in my book are concerned with this very thing). Everyone has needs. Everyone has desires. Zeedar Teretz doesn’t believe that man has a moral obligation to pursue any goal in life aside from his own happiness.

With that thought in mind, this week I’m going to teach you how to take codeine recreationally. Then I’ll walk you through a minute by minute report as I trip out on pharmaceuticals. I don’t know if the readership of zeedarteretz.com is a hard drug using one, however, personally, I am not. I smoke marijuana as often as somebody brings it within my reach. I drink. I smoke tobacco and have lots of caffeine. Where it comes to opiates, however, I’m more or less a virgin. I only mention it because you hard living crystal meth users are probably not going to appreciate the big deal I make of it as I stumble through the process. For that, I apologise. This page is intended somewhat as a guide for first time codeine use, and as a document of the effects of drug use, so that the non-drug using population of the readership can make informed decisions about their life choices, or at least recite it verbatim and look cool at parties.

Codeine, for the uninitiated, is an opiate. It can be extracted from opium, which is how it was first done, but these days they synthesise it from morphine. It is available over the counter straight up in some places. When people talk about getting high on cough syrup, codeine is the active ingredient. Here in Australia the easiest way to get it over the counter is in Nurofen-Plus, where it comes in a fairly low dosage with some paracetamol.

For this experiment, however, I have obtained a box of prescription only Panadeine Forte. I earned these pills about a year ago, when they were prescribed for me after having my wisdom teeth out. I sucked it up and didn’t take them.

Each pill contains 30mg of codeine and 500mg of paracetamol, and as I have elected to take four pills, I will use the cold water extraction method for removing the better part of the Paracetamol. This is because paracetamol fucks your liver, and besides, if it’s not making me higher, I consider it to be part of the problem. If you were trying to extract codeine from an over the counter tablet, this process would be even more necessary, as you’d be using a lot more tablets, and hence, more paracetamol. The principal behind it is that codeine dissolves in a lot lower temperature water than paracetamol does.

First I crushed the tablets using this handy kitchen cleaver. It’s a hell of a knife. Very threatening, but one so rarely gets a chance to use it.

I heated up some water. I boiled it first, and then let it stand for a few minutes. I wanted it hot enough to dissolve everything, but not so hot it would destroy the codeine. Perhaps someone with more journalistic integrity would take not of the temperature etc, but with me, science is by its very nature imprecise. I added a small amount to the powder and stirred till they dissolved. Quite a lot of residue remained in the glass. This was the filler – the binding agent that makes tablets tablets. It is water insoluble.

Next, to cool down the solution, I packed it in ice. I added some water and salt to the ice, because Mythbusters tells me that this is the best way to cool a beer can. Science begets science.

Before long I was satisfied that the liquid was cool. I was aiming for about 10 degrees centigrade, although again, “cool” was good enough. I poured it into a coffee filter, and let it drip through into a glass. Because of the tiny amount of liquid involved, this didn’t take long, so I added cold water to it occasionally, theoretically extracting any remaining codeine from the undissolved residue.

Codeine is notoriously bitter, and so when I was satisfied that I had a codeine solution I added to it a far bit more water and some tasty Tang. What better to accompany the act of getting high than the drink of astronauts?

I was taking 120mgs of codeine, minus a 10% or so loss from the extraction. For interest's sake, the LD50 (the point which it is estimated that there is a 50% chance of lethal dosage) for codeine is 800mgs. I shut up the house before I drank it. Turned off the lights and so on. I made sure to back one out, also, because a side effect of codeine is constipation (they prescribe it for chronic diarrhoea). I poured myself a jug of water just in case I needed it during the night. I set up my music to a nice play list of Pink Floyd, Hendrix and The Flaming Lips. I put the phone on my desk just in case I had a medical emergency.

And then, at 11:52 pm, I downed it.

It was pretty bitter. Hell of an after taste. Something akin to taking the cheapest vodka in the shop and making a screwdriver with Tang. From now on I’m pretty much just going to write how I feel and what I’m thinking. I’m not going to spell check it because I want to demonstrate motor loss if that comes along. Right now, I’m wondering if they make powdered vodka for the astronauts to make screwdrivers. Maybe they just use codeine.

12:03am (+0:11)

I don’t really feel anything. A little something in the temples maybe. I keep getting this kind of lump at the back of my throat, makes me swallow incessantly. Makes me want water. I’m reading a comic about Mark Twain.

12:13am (+0:21)

I feel it now. I just feel sluggish a bit. My head is kinda woozy. My hands feel distant from my body. I am having a little trouble keeping my eyes open. Not because I want to sleep but just because it feels nicer to have them closed. I think I am going to take off my shirt.

Yes, that is better. My skin feels warm and smooth and nice against the leather of the chair. I am typing with my eyes closed and the keys feel good on my fingers. Ckicjety clickety cloeckety mmm.

12:30am (+0:38)

I have moved to my bed and am typing with my wireless keyboard. I am reading War and Peace, but progress is slow because I keep enjoying single words. I’ll pick a nice word and just stare at it for a few seconds. Nice Russian words. My face feels funny. It’s like my nose is the centre of a vortex – a black hole or a whirlpool, and all my features are being sucked into it. My arms and legs are itching too, but I don’t mind. It’s quite nice, really, itching. Like a little tingling. Is itching so different from something nice like having a bath in mineral water – like jumping into the pool and feeling all the little air bubbles around you.

12:55am (+1:03)

I keep having these moments of clarity where my mind feels normal and I think “what the fuck? I’m not high at all. I should get some more codeine or some beer or something” but then I realise that I don’t want to move. I dunno. My brain is moving fast. I think I might be feeling some paranoia or something. I am paranoid that I am getting paranoid. There are a few chapters in War and Peace where Tolstoy goes on in this really smug way about how all the historians have said one thing but that that’s not really what happens. He then goes on and on presenting an argument for his version of historical fact, which is weird, because he doesn’t mention his characters or anything. He’s giving us history in a fiction book, I think, and he does it like such a dick. Smug fucking bastard. Arsehole Tolstoy.

I am rubbing my itching hands on the stubble on my face. It feels nice. My back is itching most. I can’t rub my back on my face.

1:26am (+1:32)

I think it’s wearing off. I think I should have had six pills. What this drug seems to do is make you itch all over for one, and make you feel like you feel when you first wake up on a sunny morning. When you just want to lie in bed. Not because you’re tired or anything, but just because it’s warm and you’re comfortable. Eventually you need to take a leak too bad and you get up. Well, with this, you’re warm and uncomfortable because you’re itching, but you don’t give a fuck about the itching, and I’m sure you wouldn’t give a fuck about the leak. It’s a comfort drug. Yes. It’s nice to be comfortable. Mmm. I think I will go to sleep now while I’m still comfortable. I’ll publish this in the morning. I think the girl will be Sophie Monk. She’s an Australian pop star who hasn’t been big for a few years, but I always though was one of the nations better looking women. I was thinking before that it would be nice to have some sensory stuff and not care, and I think it would be nice to have some kissing. I would like to kiss you Sophie Monk. Please email me. I have plenty of codeine left for you.

Goodnight everyone. I Hope I’ve Helped You Make Good LIFE decisions reGuarDing Narcotic use.

Epilogue

I woke up several times in the night with stomach pains. Each time they subsided after ten minutes or so. On two of these occasions I actually got up and hung a very long, powerful leak.

After trying codeine, I really can empathise with opiate users. I understand now how it is that a solider whose intestines are oozing out of his body can have a shot of morphine and be okay with it. I understand why someone would choose to live their life in rags, stinking in the gutter as a heroin addict. It doesn’t make you not feel. It doesn’t make you unable to think. It just makes you not care. Although I could do without the itching.

We close, as promised, with Sophie Monk.